Archive for March, 2007

Are you a Screener like Steven Furtick?

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Pastor Steven Furtick had a blog to spread his gospel.  He was a modern up to the minute type of pastor.  However, he got addicted to reading about himself (on Technorati).   He found some negative posts about himself and this put him into a tizzy.  So he decided end his blogging days. 

Direct from Steven Furticks blog….

 “See, I have a strict policy about not reading the negative critical emails that come in around here.

All emails sent to me are screened.

FOR EXAMPLE: An email calling me cocky and arrogant would get deleted, probably before even being read in its entirety.

However, I’m ashamed to say that recently I found a loophole in my own system.
It’s called Technorati. The way I understand it, it’s a search engine for blogs. I do know that it allows me to see what others are saying about me and my blog with up to the hour accuracy.

I got addicted to it 2 weeks ago. Today my detox begins.
I refuse to ride the roller coaster.
For every 10 guys with blogs who think I’m a hero, another guy thinks I’m the anti-Christ.
And the more God elevates the influence of Elevation, the more dangerous and nauseating the roller coaster will become. So I’ve decided to bail.”

If you are shy are you bailing?  Have you decided to screen messages? 

Negative statements are different than criticism.  Negative statements can be hurtful but there can also be a grain of truth in them.  While criticism can also be hurtful the intention is not to hurt someone. 

Perhaps it is time for you to listen to what people are saying to you.  Perhaps if you may feel hurt by what they say but what if they are telling you something important about yourself?  Maybe feeling hurt is your screening method.  You feel hurt therefore you don’t have to listen anymore. 

You have screened out something you find negative but you may have also screened out something valuable. 

Overcoming and dealing with shyness is a battle.  It is your personal struggle.  You are already down on yourself.  Why hear more downers?  Maybe it is not a downer you are hearing and reacting to.  Maybe it is your own frustration that you are sensing in these messages. 

Don’t repress your thoughts.  Don’t screen them out.  Check them out.  Take a step back and look at the message in a detached way.  Look for the value and what you can implement from the message. 

Don’t insulate yourself.  You are an expert at that.  Start to become more open.  Start removing judgement from the messages you hear.  Just observe them. 

See what happens when you stop being a screener. 

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Browse my website.

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Extreme Self Consciousness Revisited

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I can tell by your clicks and searches that this is an area that you are interested in reading about. 

A lot of people that are shy e mail me about this issue.  I am not a shy person.  So when I read a shy person’s experience about extreme self consciousness I am taken aback. 

Shy people obsess and fixate on things.  People that are not shy would not react the way a shy person does to most of these circumstances.  A shy person has trouble putting these circumstances into a manageable perspective.  A shy person has trouble letting go of these circumstances. 

Here is an example of what I am talking about.  My friend Tasha is shy.  The other day she was at a meeting at work.  She prepared for this meeting and she was asked her opinion of something that was being discussed.  She was not speaking off the top of her head.  She gave a well thought out and well researched answer.  Her answer was received well. 

That is not how Tasha saw it.  She was certain that she sounded foolish, un prepared and that no one thought highly of her answer.  Why did she feel this way?  Certainly not from any factual or logical basis.  She felt this way because she is extremely self conscious and shy. 

Tasha and I spoke about it.  I presented her with logic and facts.  She nodded but went on and on  that I was incorrect.  She was sure she sounded bad.  Even when I agreed with her (just for arguments sake) that she sounded  bad she could not let go of it. 

Let’s say she did sound bad (even though she did not).  It is over.  She can not go back in time and fix it.  All she can do is go forward and do better the next time.  People that are not shy may feel like Tasha did for 10 minutes.  People that are shy relive that feeling over and over.  This is where they are extremely self conscious.  Long after everyone that was there has forgotten what has happened a shy person rarely forgets. 

Even after everyone has forgotten this (possible faux pas) a shy person obsesses about it over and over.  Shy people punish themselves over and over again. 

People that are not shy let it go rather quickly.  People that are not shy mentally process it as over and no longer that important.  It is not that important because the next time they will do better.

If you are shy you believe there is no next time.  What you did is final and indelible.  Not true.

If you are extremely self conscious you must have a conversation with yourself.  During this conversation you must learn a new way to talk with yourself and a new way to process information. 

First you must decide how important what happened is?  Your initial reaction will be that it is of the utmost importance.  In your new conversation with yourself you will calmly and logically review it.  In your new conversation you will not review it in extremes.  In your new conversation you will fairly decide how important is it. 

The next step in your new conversation is to let it go.  Just release it.  It is over and done with.  The way to change and learn is to let go of things that hold you back.  If you keep them then they just weigh you down.  You do not learn from them by storing them up.  you must get rid of them and make space for new, better thougths. 

In summary – Step One Review farily and accurately

                          Step Two Let it go

If you are ready for the next step check out this great report on overcoming your shyness.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Read all About it

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Today I have an article for you.   When you click there will be a litle box where you can put your e mail and get some info. Scroll down to the bottom to read the article. 

How are you doing?  Have you had an experience recently where your shyness came at you full force?   How did you handle it?  Drop me a line.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Find Your Essence

scan001312.jpg  “Having practiced the Alexander technique and yoga opens a lot up in you so you don’t feel as inhibited. When you find the sound that’s exactly perfect for you, you have no choice but to respond in a positive way.”
Ajay Naidu

If you are shy you will  feel inhibited, repressed and cautious. in certain settings.  Perhaps you have not found “the sound that’s exactly perfect for you, ….”

What does that mean?  To me it means your voice, your value, your honor, your personal brilliance, your essence.  I am not shy.  I love to meet new people and converse with them.  I have found my voice, my value, my honor, my personal brilliance, and my essence.  I know this sounds like I am stuck up and the center of the universe but that is not what I am saying here. 

What I am saying is that I enjoy meeting people, lerning about them, and hearing their stories.  In order for this to happen I have to be outgoing but I also have to exude an air of trust and easiness. 

Strangers need to feel that I will understand them and allow them to be themselves with me.  This usually happens on an initial meeting and in a short period of time.  This is my essence.  Doing what I enjoy (meeting people) and allowing them to feel safe with me so they can express themselves.  I usually do not talk about myself.  I usually listen to what they have to say. 

So how does this relate to someone who is shy?  Is this something you would enjoy, listening to someone tell you about themselves?  Perhaps if you are shy you think meeting new people is about you.  Perhaps if you let that go and changed the concept of meeting new people being about them you would feel relaxed.  The pressure would be off of you.  You needn’t feel inhibited because now you are a listener. 

Maybe meeting new people when you are shy is stressful because you feel you have to do something impressive to impress someone.  Not true.  You just have to be there with the other person.  You just have to bridge the gap between “you” and “them.”  You have to change “you” and “them” to “us.”

Get to know someone.  Learn about how they feel and what makes them tick.  By listening you learn about someone else but you also learn about yourself.  You will find that sound that is you. 

Make today the day you sign up for my newsletter.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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The Power of Words

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You are shy. That is a personality trait.  That is also a label.  Certainly there are some positive attributes to shyness.  You know about those and they are a part of you.  Of course there are some negatives aspects to shyness and of course they bug you. 

One of those negative attributes is that you do not say what you want to say.  You have something you want to say but you clam up.  For whatever reason you can not get the words out.  That is because you are shy, which is a label.  

Here is a thought to consider.  What is the label was changed to honest instead of shy?   What if you clammed up because you could not be honest?  How does that change the picture for you?

Now you are probably thinking you are an honest person.  You are probably thinking, “I am not a liar.”   But are you honest if you do not say what you believe and feel?

That is the power of words.  Replace shy with honest and the circumstances change.  Next time you call yourself shy replace that word with the words, “I am honest.”  See if now you can say what you want to.    See if now it is easier to say what you want to. 

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Shyness Statistics

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This survey was in Psychology Today.

  • SHYNESS SURVEY

  • 64% of shy individuals view their shyness as a result of external factors beyond their control, such as early family experiences, over protective parents or peer victimization.

  • 24% attribute shyness to internal factors within their control, such as intrapersonal difficulties, like low self-esteem and high self-consciousness, or interpersonal difficulties, like poor social skills and dating difficulties.

  • 62% experience feelings of shyness daily.

  • 82% report shyness as an undesirable experience.

Types of Individuals who make the shy feel shy:

  • 75% strangers

  • 71% persons of the opposite sex, in a group

  • 65% persons of the opposite sex, one-on-one

  • 56% persons of the same sex, in a group

  • 45% relatives, other than immediate family

  • 38% persons of the same sex, one-on-one

  • 22% their parents

  • 20% siblings

  • 46% believe their shyness can be overcome.

  • 7.2% do not believe their shyness can be overcome.

  • 85% are willing to work seriously at overcoming shyness.

    This is a optimistic response.

  • 85% are willing to work seriously at overcoming shyness. Are you one of the 85%? If yes join my newsletter and start your serious work.

  • www.notshyow.com

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Extreme Self Consciousness

 

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If you are shy you feel self conscious at times. I researched “self conscious” in Wikipedia.

Self-consciousness is an acute sense of self-awareness. It is a preoccupation with oneself, rather than the philosophical state of self-awareness, which is the awareness that one exists as an individual being. An unpleasant feeling of self-consciousness occurs when we realize that we are being watched or observed, the feeling that “everyone is looking” at us. Some people are habitually more self-conscious than others. Feelings of self-consciousness are sometimes associated with shyness or paranoia.

 

Impairment

When feeling self-conscious, one becomes aware of even the smallest of one’s own actions. Such awareness can impair one’s ability to perform complex actions. For example, a piano player may “choke“, lose confidence, and even lose the ability to perform at the moment they notice the audience. This is a function of the psychological phenomenon of social facilitation. As self-consciousness fades one may regain the ability to “lose one’s self“. A person with a chronic tendency toward self-consciousness may be shy or introverted.

Unlike self-awareness, self-consciousness can be a problem at times. It is often associated with shyness and embarrassment, and can affect self-esteem. Psychologists frequently distinguish between two kinds of self-consciousness, private and public. Private self-consciousness is a tendency to introspect and examine one’s inner self and feelings. Public self-consciousness is an awareness of the self as it is viewed by others. This kind of self-consciousness can result in self-monitoring and social anxiety.

This does not sound like a pleasant way to feel. It seems like an energy drainer. It seems that while this is going on in your head not much else could be happening. It seems restrictive. It seems obsessive. Of course you know this. You experience this. I found a great article by Peter Murphy n how to deal with this.

How To Stop Feeling Self Conscious
By Peter Murphy

When you feel self-conscious it means you are putting too much attention on yourself, too much focus on what you are doing and how you are doing it. And this is a formula for poor performance.

The secret then to dealing with this problem is to become other conscious.

If all you do is shift your focus from self to others you will communicate better, perform better and become a far better listener.

Another positive consequence is that other people will enjoy spending time with you because it is so obvious you give them your complete attention.

Your goal is to become so fascinated by other people that your focus is on what they say, how they say it and why they say it.

6 Tips for Becoming Other Conscious:

1. Pay attention to the way people breathe, watch closely and observe the relationship between breathing and speaking.

2. Listen not just to what people say but the way they say it. Pay very close attention to speech patterns, changes in tempo, volume and tone.

3. Ask thoughtful questions to understand the way others think. Really strive to grasp why others think what they think.

4. Whenever your focus shifts back to the way you are behaving ask yourself questions about the other person so you need to pay attention to him e.g.

– What does he really mean by that?

– How does he manage to be so boring?

– How does she keep people so entranced with her words?

5. Use your imagination to change your mood and to keep your mind too occupied to be self-conscious.

You could for example imagine that the people you are talking to are wearing no clothes or inappropriate clothes. Why not have some fun, feel good and still enjoy a good conversation?

You owe it to yourself to find as many ways as possible to feel good. As I have said before excellent communication skills are more dependant on your mental and emotional states than on clever language patterns.

6. Use affirmations to condition a new belief about your ability to be relaxed and other conscious. For example:

– I am fascinated by the way people talk
– I give my complete attention to whoever I talk to
– I am an excellent conversationalist
– I feel fantastic when I meet new people

Use these 6 tips each day and you will be amazed at how quickly you become more confident with others.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

Let me know how this works for you.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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