Archive for help for shyness

Lighten Up

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I am in contact with many people that are shy.  Sometimes these contacts are trying for me.  I can see that shy people take life a lot more seriously than I do.  I can also see that if you are shy and take things this seriously your life will be an uphill battle.

I honestly believe that you are making your life a lot harder than it is. 

Here is a recap of a recent contact with Jessica, a shy person.  Jessica was starting to get restless with her job.  Since Jessica is shy she limited her employment.  Interviews were difficult for her.  Since Jessica is shy she did not shine at interviews. 

Jessica also felt anxiety at interviews so when she landed a job she felt relieved.  It was not her dream job but at least the interviews would be over.

Jessica’s next challenge was to adjust to her new job.  This meant actually being able to communicate with her co workers.  Jessica was nervous about going to work.  She was not excited. She was anxious.  How would she handle communicating?

At some point Jessica got the hang of dealing with her co workers.  That basically meant Jessica had minimal interactions with them.  If the stress got too much Jessica hid in the bathroom.

Jessica was artistic.  She wanted to move into a more creative field of work.  Here is where Jessica got into serious and severe thinking. 

This is what went on in Jessica’s mind.

“I do not like this job anymore.  I want to leave.  I am bored here.  There is no advancement.  I want a more artistic job.  I will never get out of here.  I will never get another job.  I am not good enough to get another job.  I wasted my four years in college studying art.  I have no talent.  No one will hire me.”

As you can see this thinking is building upon itself.  It all started with the desire for a new job.  From there it turned into an anxiety fest and from there is turned into self deprecation.  All because Jessica is shy. 

Suddenly the desire for a new job becomes convoluted.  Suddenly the desire for a new job becomes fraught with worry, anguish, fear and self loathing. 

This is where it gets trying for me and hard for you if you are shy.  When you are shy this is where your and thoughts and feelings will become heightened and out of proportion.  However, since this is how you have lived your life you do not recognize that these thoughts and feelings are extreme.  To you they are natural.  To me they are over the top and I think you need to lighten up.

You need to stop re playing this tune in your head.   You need a new tune.  You need to quiet your mind.  You need to replace obsession with desire. 

I feel your pain.  What I do not feel is your determination and desire to move on and off these thoughts and feelings. 

Lighten up.  Stop taking yourself so seriously.  When these thoughts come observe them and then tell them good bye. 

People that are not shy do not get enmeshed in these thoughts and feelings.  If they experience them they put them in their place.  And they let go of them. 

Let go.  Lighten up.  Don’t live your life with the burden of shyness.  You do not need this extra weight.  Your life does not have to be this serious.  Conserve your energy and relax your mind.

Get out of your head. Look for a better place to be.  

Help is here.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach 

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Quit Whining

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I am a kind person.  Shy people contact me and tell me about their struggles.  I am empathetic.  I am caring.  I am sympathetic.  But am I being helpful?

Perhaps it is time I told you to stop whining.  Perhaps it is time I told you to either do something about your shyness or just live with it and stop obsessing over it. 

Perhaps it is time I told you that the complaining, whining, obsessing, and the “I can’t help myself attitudee” is over.  I don’t want to hear about it anymore.  Perhaps it is time you sang a new tune.

Perhaps those close to you are tired of hearing your laments.  Aren’t you tired of boring people with your problems? 

Most of all aren’t you tired of it?  Aren’t you tired of missing out?  Aren’t you tired of turningg people off?  Aren’t you tired of the suffering?  Aren’t you tired of the struggling? 

How tired are you?  How displeased are you? 

Take some action.  Let others know there is another side to you.  Dispel the myth you created about yourself.  Stop hiding.  Blossom.

Get help now.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Do you Have the “Guts”

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The other day I received a note about a class action settlement that I was included in.  The settlement was idiotic and offered me no benefit.  It was a waste of time to fill out the forms to be in the settlement. 

However, it was not a waste of my time to write back explaining why I would not be in the settlement.

I joked to one of my friends that my rejection of the settlement letter would probably mark me as a “dissident” and I did not care.

My motivation and drive to express myself out weighed any false impressions or impressions that others may have of me.

Can this help you in overcoming your shyness?  Can your desire to express yourself outweigh your shyness? 

I know that if you are shy you are lacking the confidence to speak up.  The blunt way to say that is you lack the guts to speak up.  You lack the guts to say what you mean.  You lack the guts to stand up for yourself.  You motivation to express yourself is outweighed by your fear.

This may sound harsh but you know it is true. 

Living your life in fear is harsh.  It is also cruel to yourself.  What will people think of you if they actually get to know you?  No one knows because you do not let people get to know you.  You are motivated by your fear. 

Isn’t there something you truly believe in?  Isn’t it important for you to speak up?  Yes and you do not. 

Can you get real with yourself and experience that motivation.  Can you inspire yourself? 

Yes you can.  See how now.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Shyness, Networking, Careers

scan00132.jpg         I have had many requests to talk about shyness and work.  I found this excellent post which covers many areas of this.  There are many useful ideas and options you can explore. Even if you are shy you have to get out there.  You are competing with assertive, aggressive people.  You need to make yourself shine.    

******************************************                                                       Some Winning Strategies for Reluctant Marketers by Harvey Mackay   

 Fred was one of my schoolmates from fourth grade all through college. He was a loner, a total introvert and painfully shy, with all the baggage that comes with it: the dead-fish handshake, the downcast eyes that never quite meet yours, the halting, barely audible stabs at conversation.

Still, Fred was sincere, honest, hardworking — a thoroughly decent person.

I’m sure Fred went through high school without ever having a date. I can remember how, on graduation day, many of us trolled the halls to corral our classmates into signing our yearbooks. We competed with each other to see who could fill the most pages with reminiscences and tributes from our friends.

But not Fred. Once again, too timid, too shy. It would be a force job for Fred to go up to a classmate and request this easy favor.

Fast forward to college.

Somehow, Fred managed to get into a fraternity. Maybe it was because he never had a bad word to say about anyone. Maybe he was a “legacy.” Maybe it was because Fred decided it was something he wanted badly enough to come out of his cocoon and really go for.

What was it that changed him? Only The Shadow knows.

Whatever it was, whatever it took, a new Fred began to emerge. By our last year in college, he was unrecognizable from the Fred of our high-school years. He’d become popular and gregarious. Fred’s “lost years” in high school hadn’t been entirely wasted. He seemed to know more about swing music and jazz than anyone else on campus, probably from listening to it alone in his room. He’d also developed a flair for dancing, a considerable social advantage.

After college, Fred and several of his fraternity brothers formed a partnership in the automotive business. They became very successful. Most of us know people like Fred. Some of them never manage to shake off their early problems. Others do.

For some people, networking is as natural and instinctive as breathing. They’re self-confident, radiate optimism, make friends easily and seem to glide through life on winged feet. Not many of them will be readers of this article. Why should they be? They do this stuff without even having to think about it. They network with their alarm clocks when they wake up in the morning.

This article is addressed to the rest of us, the high-school Freds of the world, those not quite so sure of ourselves, perhaps a bit shy, even timid. We’re not out there bowling over everyone we meet with our dazzling smiles or brilliant conversation. We’re not even out there bowling.

Like Learning to Swim

For most people, networking is a learned behavior, like learning to swim. It’s a gradual and often painful — even scary — process of trial and error, small incremental steps and, finally, a few breakthroughs.

Fortunately, there are several tried-and-true techniques for overcoming this fear of trying:

1. Practice “let’s pretend.”

Why do we procrastinate? Why are we shy? We fear failure, and we define failure as falling short of perfection. Since perfection is impossible to achieve, we’re conflicted and act tentatively or not at all.

Plato said each thing or idea has a perfect form. While we can never achieve the ideal form, we should attempt to come as close as we can by observing and emulating the characteristics of the ideal.

Let’s segue from the ancient Greeks to you, the modern angst-ridden networker. Suppose there’s someone you want to meet. You’ve done your homework, you’re aware of an affinity or shared experience with this person, but you’re afraid to make the first move.

Why not play a game with yourself? The name of the game is “Let’s Pretend.”

Ask yourself, “What would the ideal networker do in this situation?” Then pretend you’re that person and do it. If you’re able, you can reinvent yourself. By pretending you are what you’re not, you actually can become what you’ve pretended to be.

2. Adopt a role model.

What’s the difference between this suggestion and the Plato gambit? Your ideal is real, not imagined. You aren’t asking what the perfect person would do. You’ve attached yourself to a successful networker and you’re committed to studying his or her techniques.

In the best of all possible worlds, your role models also can become your mentors, helping you, advising you, guiding you, even lending you their networks as you build your own.

For the shy or anxious person, this method has two advantages:

  • It takes only one good connection to start you on your way.
  • Your natural shyness and inexperience can help rather than hinder you.

As you gain confidence and skills, your role model will take pride in your progress and be motivated to do even more for you.

3. Take lessons.

You’re taking one now, as you read this article, so you’re already a believer in the learning process. There are other, real-life educational opportunities that are effective for overcoming shyness and inexperience.

The first real networking school I signed up for after I got out of college was Toastmasters. It proved so valuable to me that here I am, many years later, being paid handsomely as a public speaker, even though my main thrust is still running my business.

Toastmasters isn’t just about making speeches. It’s about doing your homework, gaining self-confidence, presenting a good appearance and becoming an interesting person and a valuable resource to others. In other words, Toastmasters can help you gain and polish the tools to become a successful networker.

The Dale Carnegie schools are designed to help students achieve similar goals. I’m a graduate, and I can tell you from my own experience that they’re masters at instilling personal confidence, polish, poise, communication and networking skills in their students. They’ve been around a long time, an excellent indication that they’re getting results.

And if you hope one day to be a professional public speaker, or if you just want to sound like one, there’s no better organization to join than the National Speakers Association (NSA), headquartered in Tempe, Ariz. I’m a member and collectively we speak to 20 million people a year. If you’re looking to hire a speaker for an event, this is the group to call. In fact, I believe this organization is so worthwhile that I’m willing to make you a promise. If you don’t feel you got your money’s worth the first year, send me a copy of your canceled check and I’ll give you a “Harvey Mackay Scholarship” — the second year’s membership will be on me. NSA can be reached at www.nsaspeaker.org for information about national membership and local chapters.

4. Keep taking lessons.

Graduation isn’t the end of your education. It’s the foundation, the launching pad, the beginning. Unless you keep your batteries charged, they’ll run down. For an ongoing source of inspiration and motivation, I recommend subscribing to Norman Vincent Peale’s publication, “Positive Living.” A similar publication in more condensed form is “Bits & Pieces.”

5. Join up.

Just about any group offers possibilities for making contacts and achieving personal growth: Dancing. Choir. Coin-collecting. Horseback-riding. Art appreciation. Theater-going. Antiques-shopping. Politics. Great books. Wine. Food. You’ll meet others with similar interests who are ready to network.

6. Have a little faith in yourself.

Dale Carnegie probably summed it up best: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”

The more you exercise your networking muscles, the stronger they’ll get — and the easier networking becomes.

Stand Out

One of the purposes of networking is to stand out from the pack. If you network successfully, you’ll become known as the person who can be counted on to remember birthdays, offer praise for a promotion and is always just a phone call away.

But what happens when everyone starts to do those things? You no longer stand out. This is a problem, especially as more people begin to understand the power of networking.

What do you do to make sure you stand out? You have to use your imagination. And you have to take the extra step. Let me give you three quick examples:

  • Don’t ever send another business Christmas card. Oh sure, they’re lovely. Sending cards is a nice gesture and everyone does it. But that’s exactly the point. Everyone does it. And because they do, nobody remembers them. Want proof? Ask yourself this: What was the last Christmas card you remember receiving at the office?Don’t get lost in the crowd. Instead of sending Christmas cards, send Thanksgiving cards (there are great ones out there). Your card will likely be the first holiday impression a person gets. Always use a beautiful commemorative stamp, and include a one-paragraph handwritten personal note. And if you’re resourceful, send out birthday cards.
  • Be polite.You don’t think this will make you stand out? You’re wrong. We are all too time-stressed. We never can get it all done. These days, the person who responds quickly to a phone call or note has discovered a true way to be a differentiator.One of the stories told about Billy Graham involves an incident that occurred while he was in a diner with staff members. When the waitress serving the group recognized Billy, she dropped her tray, scattering dishes all over the place. Mr. Graham immediately leaped up and helped her clean the mess. How many of us would reach out to another person and help her through an embarrassing moment? Billy Graham’s act defined good manners: consideration for the feelings of others.
  • Send a creative present to a person’s kids. Be honest: What can you possibly get the Big Kahuna that’s actually going to impress her? But if you get her 10-year-old son an autographed baseball from his favorite player, or a handwritten note to her daughter from a well-known person, you probably won’t have problems getting your phone calls returned.Geraldine Laybourne, a Nickelodeon television executive, found herself seated next to the legendary Hollywood mogul Michael Ovitz during last year’s NBA playoffs. Although she’d never met Mr. Ovitz, she struck up a conversation with his companion, who happened to be his nine-year-old son, Eric.

    “Ovitz perewas impressed,” reported Leadership magazine. Six months later, Mr. Ovitz, then president of Disney, called Ms. Laybourne and persuaded her to leave Nickelodeon to become president of the Disney/ABC Cable Networks. “In her new position, Laybourne will be the most visible woman executive in broadcasting,” according to Leadership. She’s already proven that she’s one of the best networkers in the network business.

    What do you have to offer that makes you memorable? What connects you with the person you most want to be remembered by?

    — Mr. Mackay is a bestselling author, motivational speaker and nationally syndicated columnist. This article has been adapted by permission from his book, “Dig Your Well Before You’re Thirsty: The Only Networking Book You’ll Ever Need” (Currency Book-Doubleday, 1997).

    Email your comments to cjeditor@dowjones.com.

 Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

                   

                                              

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POST A COMMENT.  SAY WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND.

WRITE, POST, SPEAK OUT.

Always a privilege to hear from you.  This blog is for you.

 Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Make your Shyness Smaller

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I hope you have enjoyed reading the personal stories.  I am not a shy person.  Therefore, I like to include stories about experience, strength and hope from people that are or were shy.

I can also relate to these stories because I have felt shy in certain circumstances.  Some people do intimidate me.  Sometimes I have found these people scary with good reason.  Other times I just feel like I should not do too much talking around these people.  It could be that I have an instinctual response.  It may be that I feel we are not on the same wavelength.  It may be that their tone is not conducive to me wanting to share with them. 

I have not spent a lot of time analyzing this because I usually avoid these people.

So my question to you is do you experience this when you feel shy?  Do you get the impression that certain people are not the type you want to be around?  Perhaps this is not shyness but self preservation or self protection.

This week end may be a good time to analyze your shyness.  Perhaps you can eliminate some things that are not related to shyness.  Then you can make your shyness smaller and really work on it.  BIG PROBLEMS – BIG SOLUTIONS –  BIG WORK.  SMALL PROBLEMS  – SMALL SOLUTIONS  – SMALL WORK

Make your shyness smaller and work on it.  Help to do that is here.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Shyness a Personal Story

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 This is someone’s personal experience with shyness.

“Center of Attention”
by Kevin Rhea

During high school I attended a weekly church class that was held informally in a family’s home. It was a group of about 15 kids, one girl was pregnant, a few kids were into drugs, and the rest were as “normal” as teenagers can be. While I dreaded going, usually it was OK due to the informality. I would speak when asked a question and was always interested in what others thought.

One week the leader (a priest) announced that class would be in the church along with some other class groups. About 40 of us were standing around in a circle and the priest chose me for a demonstration. He asked me to hold a wooden chair out in front of my body as long as I could. I performed the task and he timed me.

Next, I was to repeat the task and everyone was to cheer me on. “Come on Kevin,” “You can do it” they shouted. I was very uncomfortable being yelled at and being the center of all this attention. I was grateful when my arms gave out and could let the chair rest back on the ground.

The priest looked at his watch and seemed puzzled. He stammered some words like “The time is shorter, it is suppose to be longer….”. He did not know what to say. I did not know what to do. The demonstration was ruined. The rest is a blur.

It seems the point of his demonstration was to show how teamwork, encouragement, and supporting others could really help accomplish a task. I was suppose to hold the chair longer when people were cheering me on — much longer. Instead, I could not wait to let the chair drop and be free of all this unwanted attention.


I have reflected on this moment many times over the years. Obviously the priest assumed that everyone needed the same kind of encouragement and cheering on. He did not recognize that people have different natures.

Looking back, I would say that for a sensitive person, mine was a normal reaction. The kids were not cheering me on because they wanted to help me; they did so because they were told to. No one asked me how I would like to be helped. No one even asked me if I wanted to do the demonstration. Perhaps the chair would have seemed lighter had these been true friends wanting to help me in a meaningful task. Perhaps a more sensitive group would have asked me if I wanted to do the demonstration and what kind of cheering on would be best for me.

When true appreciation and support are present, I am more open to both giving and receiving and even enjoy being the center of attention.

This true story demonstrates the principle that You are not like everyone else.

Stories tha t Transform Shyness

Copyright 1999 by KeviN Rhea   All Rights Reserved.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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