Archive for self conscious

Lighten Up

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I am in contact with many people that are shy.  Sometimes these contacts are trying for me.  I can see that shy people take life a lot more seriously than I do.  I can also see that if you are shy and take things this seriously your life will be an uphill battle.

I honestly believe that you are making your life a lot harder than it is. 

Here is a recap of a recent contact with Jessica, a shy person.  Jessica was starting to get restless with her job.  Since Jessica is shy she limited her employment.  Interviews were difficult for her.  Since Jessica is shy she did not shine at interviews. 

Jessica also felt anxiety at interviews so when she landed a job she felt relieved.  It was not her dream job but at least the interviews would be over.

Jessica’s next challenge was to adjust to her new job.  This meant actually being able to communicate with her co workers.  Jessica was nervous about going to work.  She was not excited. She was anxious.  How would she handle communicating?

At some point Jessica got the hang of dealing with her co workers.  That basically meant Jessica had minimal interactions with them.  If the stress got too much Jessica hid in the bathroom.

Jessica was artistic.  She wanted to move into a more creative field of work.  Here is where Jessica got into serious and severe thinking. 

This is what went on in Jessica’s mind.

“I do not like this job anymore.  I want to leave.  I am bored here.  There is no advancement.  I want a more artistic job.  I will never get out of here.  I will never get another job.  I am not good enough to get another job.  I wasted my four years in college studying art.  I have no talent.  No one will hire me.”

As you can see this thinking is building upon itself.  It all started with the desire for a new job.  From there it turned into an anxiety fest and from there is turned into self deprecation.  All because Jessica is shy. 

Suddenly the desire for a new job becomes convoluted.  Suddenly the desire for a new job becomes fraught with worry, anguish, fear and self loathing. 

This is where it gets trying for me and hard for you if you are shy.  When you are shy this is where your and thoughts and feelings will become heightened and out of proportion.  However, since this is how you have lived your life you do not recognize that these thoughts and feelings are extreme.  To you they are natural.  To me they are over the top and I think you need to lighten up.

You need to stop re playing this tune in your head.   You need a new tune.  You need to quiet your mind.  You need to replace obsession with desire. 

I feel your pain.  What I do not feel is your determination and desire to move on and off these thoughts and feelings. 

Lighten up.  Stop taking yourself so seriously.  When these thoughts come observe them and then tell them good bye. 

People that are not shy do not get enmeshed in these thoughts and feelings.  If they experience them they put them in their place.  And they let go of them. 

Let go.  Lighten up.  Don’t live your life with the burden of shyness.  You do not need this extra weight.  Your life does not have to be this serious.  Conserve your energy and relax your mind.

Get out of your head. Look for a better place to be.  

Help is here.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach 

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Face Your Fear

scan0013.jpg  I googled “shy”.  There were some sites about shy dogs.  It seems that shyness can be a problem with some dogs.  Shy dogs are not socialized.  They may be fear biters. 

So I thought about fear and shyness.  Fear is there.  It definitely plays a part in shyness. 

Fear is overwhelming.  It is also paralyzing.  It is rampant.  It makes you feel like…………

It can take over.  Face your fear.  Confront your fear.  Make your life serene. You have the power.

This is a photo I found that expresses fear.  Looks like there is some confusion also.  Fear and confusion can be together. 

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 You don’t have to feel like this.  You do not have to see saw between fear and confusion.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Shyness a Personal Story

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 This is someone’s personal experience with shyness.

“Center of Attention”
by Kevin Rhea

During high school I attended a weekly church class that was held informally in a family’s home. It was a group of about 15 kids, one girl was pregnant, a few kids were into drugs, and the rest were as “normal” as teenagers can be. While I dreaded going, usually it was OK due to the informality. I would speak when asked a question and was always interested in what others thought.

One week the leader (a priest) announced that class would be in the church along with some other class groups. About 40 of us were standing around in a circle and the priest chose me for a demonstration. He asked me to hold a wooden chair out in front of my body as long as I could. I performed the task and he timed me.

Next, I was to repeat the task and everyone was to cheer me on. “Come on Kevin,” “You can do it” they shouted. I was very uncomfortable being yelled at and being the center of all this attention. I was grateful when my arms gave out and could let the chair rest back on the ground.

The priest looked at his watch and seemed puzzled. He stammered some words like “The time is shorter, it is suppose to be longer….”. He did not know what to say. I did not know what to do. The demonstration was ruined. The rest is a blur.

It seems the point of his demonstration was to show how teamwork, encouragement, and supporting others could really help accomplish a task. I was suppose to hold the chair longer when people were cheering me on — much longer. Instead, I could not wait to let the chair drop and be free of all this unwanted attention.


I have reflected on this moment many times over the years. Obviously the priest assumed that everyone needed the same kind of encouragement and cheering on. He did not recognize that people have different natures.

Looking back, I would say that for a sensitive person, mine was a normal reaction. The kids were not cheering me on because they wanted to help me; they did so because they were told to. No one asked me how I would like to be helped. No one even asked me if I wanted to do the demonstration. Perhaps the chair would have seemed lighter had these been true friends wanting to help me in a meaningful task. Perhaps a more sensitive group would have asked me if I wanted to do the demonstration and what kind of cheering on would be best for me.

When true appreciation and support are present, I am more open to both giving and receiving and even enjoy being the center of attention.

This true story demonstrates the principle that You are not like everyone else.

Stories tha t Transform Shyness

Copyright 1999 by KeviN Rhea   All Rights Reserved.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Extreme Self Consciousness Revisited

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I can tell by your clicks and searches that this is an area that you are interested in reading about. 

A lot of people that are shy e mail me about this issue.  I am not a shy person.  So when I read a shy person’s experience about extreme self consciousness I am taken aback. 

Shy people obsess and fixate on things.  People that are not shy would not react the way a shy person does to most of these circumstances.  A shy person has trouble putting these circumstances into a manageable perspective.  A shy person has trouble letting go of these circumstances. 

Here is an example of what I am talking about.  My friend Tasha is shy.  The other day she was at a meeting at work.  She prepared for this meeting and she was asked her opinion of something that was being discussed.  She was not speaking off the top of her head.  She gave a well thought out and well researched answer.  Her answer was received well. 

That is not how Tasha saw it.  She was certain that she sounded foolish, un prepared and that no one thought highly of her answer.  Why did she feel this way?  Certainly not from any factual or logical basis.  She felt this way because she is extremely self conscious and shy. 

Tasha and I spoke about it.  I presented her with logic and facts.  She nodded but went on and on  that I was incorrect.  She was sure she sounded bad.  Even when I agreed with her (just for arguments sake) that she sounded  bad she could not let go of it. 

Let’s say she did sound bad (even though she did not).  It is over.  She can not go back in time and fix it.  All she can do is go forward and do better the next time.  People that are not shy may feel like Tasha did for 10 minutes.  People that are shy relive that feeling over and over.  This is where they are extremely self conscious.  Long after everyone that was there has forgotten what has happened a shy person rarely forgets. 

Even after everyone has forgotten this (possible faux pas) a shy person obsesses about it over and over.  Shy people punish themselves over and over again. 

People that are not shy let it go rather quickly.  People that are not shy mentally process it as over and no longer that important.  It is not that important because the next time they will do better.

If you are shy you believe there is no next time.  What you did is final and indelible.  Not true.

If you are extremely self conscious you must have a conversation with yourself.  During this conversation you must learn a new way to talk with yourself and a new way to process information. 

First you must decide how important what happened is?  Your initial reaction will be that it is of the utmost importance.  In your new conversation with yourself you will calmly and logically review it.  In your new conversation you will not review it in extremes.  In your new conversation you will fairly decide how important is it. 

The next step in your new conversation is to let it go.  Just release it.  It is over and done with.  The way to change and learn is to let go of things that hold you back.  If you keep them then they just weigh you down.  You do not learn from them by storing them up.  you must get rid of them and make space for new, better thougths. 

In summary – Step One Review farily and accurately

                          Step Two Let it go

If you are ready for the next step check out this great report on overcoming your shyness.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Extreme Self Consciousness

 

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If you are shy you feel self conscious at times. I researched “self conscious” in Wikipedia.

Self-consciousness is an acute sense of self-awareness. It is a preoccupation with oneself, rather than the philosophical state of self-awareness, which is the awareness that one exists as an individual being. An unpleasant feeling of self-consciousness occurs when we realize that we are being watched or observed, the feeling that “everyone is looking” at us. Some people are habitually more self-conscious than others. Feelings of self-consciousness are sometimes associated with shyness or paranoia.

 

Impairment

When feeling self-conscious, one becomes aware of even the smallest of one’s own actions. Such awareness can impair one’s ability to perform complex actions. For example, a piano player may “choke“, lose confidence, and even lose the ability to perform at the moment they notice the audience. This is a function of the psychological phenomenon of social facilitation. As self-consciousness fades one may regain the ability to “lose one’s self“. A person with a chronic tendency toward self-consciousness may be shy or introverted.

Unlike self-awareness, self-consciousness can be a problem at times. It is often associated with shyness and embarrassment, and can affect self-esteem. Psychologists frequently distinguish between two kinds of self-consciousness, private and public. Private self-consciousness is a tendency to introspect and examine one’s inner self and feelings. Public self-consciousness is an awareness of the self as it is viewed by others. This kind of self-consciousness can result in self-monitoring and social anxiety.

This does not sound like a pleasant way to feel. It seems like an energy drainer. It seems that while this is going on in your head not much else could be happening. It seems restrictive. It seems obsessive. Of course you know this. You experience this. I found a great article by Peter Murphy n how to deal with this.

How To Stop Feeling Self Conscious
By Peter Murphy

When you feel self-conscious it means you are putting too much attention on yourself, too much focus on what you are doing and how you are doing it. And this is a formula for poor performance.

The secret then to dealing with this problem is to become other conscious.

If all you do is shift your focus from self to others you will communicate better, perform better and become a far better listener.

Another positive consequence is that other people will enjoy spending time with you because it is so obvious you give them your complete attention.

Your goal is to become so fascinated by other people that your focus is on what they say, how they say it and why they say it.

6 Tips for Becoming Other Conscious:

1. Pay attention to the way people breathe, watch closely and observe the relationship between breathing and speaking.

2. Listen not just to what people say but the way they say it. Pay very close attention to speech patterns, changes in tempo, volume and tone.

3. Ask thoughtful questions to understand the way others think. Really strive to grasp why others think what they think.

4. Whenever your focus shifts back to the way you are behaving ask yourself questions about the other person so you need to pay attention to him e.g.

– What does he really mean by that?

– How does he manage to be so boring?

– How does she keep people so entranced with her words?

5. Use your imagination to change your mood and to keep your mind too occupied to be self-conscious.

You could for example imagine that the people you are talking to are wearing no clothes or inappropriate clothes. Why not have some fun, feel good and still enjoy a good conversation?

You owe it to yourself to find as many ways as possible to feel good. As I have said before excellent communication skills are more dependant on your mental and emotional states than on clever language patterns.

6. Use affirmations to condition a new belief about your ability to be relaxed and other conscious. For example:

– I am fascinated by the way people talk
– I give my complete attention to whoever I talk to
– I am an excellent conversationalist
– I feel fantastic when I meet new people

Use these 6 tips each day and you will be amazed at how quickly you become more confident with others.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

Let me know how this works for you.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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