Archive for February, 2007

Let Someone Get to Know You

scan00131.jpg When you feel shy you are concerned about what other people will think about you if you express yourself.

Other people can either like what you say, dislike what you say or have no opinion. If other people like what you say things are good. But if you do not say anything how can an outsider like what you have to say?

If they do no like what you have to say what does that really mean? Is one person’s opinion the opinion you will stake your life on? How important is that outsiders opinion to you? It is hard to believe that you would put so much value in one person’s opinion of you. An opinion is

a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

 

Notice that the definition includes the word “insufficient” . It is just a glimpse. An opinion is not rendered by someone actually seeing and knowing you. It is just an impression at the time. It is not a fact. It is not permanent. People change their minds all the time. People make snap judgments that they forget about. Perhaps when you state what you feel or believe someone else will not agree with you. So what. You do not agree with everyone. Agreeing or disagreeing with someone does not indicate anyone’s value as a person. It is related to the one statement that was made in response to another statement. How can someone get to know you if you will not let them. Can’t someone like you even if they do not agree with you all the time? Can’t you converse with someone with the intention that this is a give and take of ideas and opinions? Yes you can. If someone is willing to be honest with you don’t they deserve the same from you?

It is important to look at expressing yourself in a new way. It is important to notice that in a conversation the person you are speaking with is listening to you. They are not rating you. They are relating to you. They want to hear what you have to say. If they do not agree with what you say maybe you will learn from them. If they do not agree with you maybe they will learn from you.

The point is that you will never know unless you join in. The other point is for you to value what you have to say. The easiest way to be misunderstood is to not let anyone know you. If you are a mystery then people will fill in the gaps about you. You have no idea how they will view you if they have no information to go on.

If you have something to say try saying it. Listen to how the other person responds. Stay in the conversation and get out of your head. Focus on listening and sharing. Give the other person a chance to get to know you.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

 

PS I have some great products if you are ready to take the first step to overcoming your shyness.

Comments (1)

Magic

scan001314.jpgscan001316.jpg 

The Magic Answer

I bet this attracted your attention. If it did I am sorry. I do not have a magical answer for you to overcome your shyness. I am not a magician and we all know magic is illusion. You cannot snap your fingers and whisper a secret incantation and your shyness will be gone. The world would be a different place if that was possible.

 

The truth is there is not magic answer. The truth is you have the power and ability to overcome your shyness. It is inside of you. You are the one that has to be motivated to overcome your shyness. Your mom, your dad, your best friend, your significant other may all be motivated for you to overcome your shyness. They may be a wonderful support system. But it in the end it is all within you.

 

You know this. You probably do not want to accept this. Why? Because it is hard. Because sometimes you like being shy? Because it is you. Because you don’t have the time. Because nothing works. Because, because, because. There are always reasons why you can’t or won’t be able to do something. Isn’t there always a reason why you can and want to do something? Why are you focusing on the negative? I don’t really know why. Maybe you don’t know why. If that is the case let’s forget that question. Let’s move on to doing something if it is important to you. Let’s move on to doing something not because it is the right thing to do or someone says you should do it. Let’s do it because it is important to you.

 

I am not going to provide a tip today. Actually I may not have many more tips. Tips are useless if they are not put into action. Knowledge is important but if you do not apply it what value does it have to you? I f you do not apply it then it is just a piece of information in your head. Why bother to spend the time to learn something if you will not use it?

 

We all know there is a process. There is a thought, an idea, a plan and an action. Somewhere you are stuck. Find out where it is and get unstuck. No one else can do it but you.

 

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

 

 

Leave a Comment

Caution and Shyness

scan001315.jpg

Once Bitten, Twice Shy by Vesata Williams 

Your name is Dracula
You suck the life right out of me
With a thing called reality
Why didn’t I fall for you
You took my space and made it yours
Now my mind’s playin’ tricks on me

Who’s to blame
I’m havin’ a dream, I can’t wake up
That’s what I keep tellin’ myself
Oh, oh, oh, oh

There’s no shame
In losin’ control, I’m crackin’ up
That’s what the doctors keep tellin’ me
I keep screamin’

Once bitten, twice shy
Keep one eye open for the bad guy
I keep screamin’
Once bitten, twice shy
And be suspicious when the moon’s high

Your eyes are cold as ice
I feel them strain’ straight through me
With a hint of intensity
Why must it be this way
Why am I here tied up today
In a room full of past mistakes

Who’s to blame
I’m havin’ a dream, I can’t wake up
That’s what I keep tellin’ myself
Oh, oh, oh, oh

There’s no shame
In losin’ control, I’m crackin’ up
That’s what the doctors keep tellin’ me
I keep screamin’

Once bitten, twice shy
Keep one eye open for the bad guy
I keep screamin’
Once bitten, twice shy
And be suspicious when the moon’s high, high, high

Who’s to blame
I’m havin’ a dream, I can’t wake up
That’s what I keep tellin’ myself
Oh, oh, oh, oh

There’s no shame
In losin’ control, I’m crackin’ up
That’s what the doctors keep tellin’ me
I keep screamin’

Once bitten, twice shy
Keep one eye open for the bad guy
I keep screamin’
Once bitten, twice shy
And be suspicious when the moon’s high

Once bitten, twice shy
Once bitten, twice shy
(Took my love and made me crazy)
(Now everything’s so hazy)

Once bitten, twice shy
(Ooh, you know you’re no good, you’re no good, no)
Once bitten, twice shy
 

I picked  out this song because it appeared to have something to do with shyness.  As I read the lyrics I think it more has to do with learning a lesson, being cautious, taking care of yourself, knowing what is going on and things like that. 

I have a friend Dave. He considers himself to be avant garde. What that means is that he is attracted to people that are edgy. Some of them are actually over the edge. Some of them have stalked him, physically abused him, and caused him grief. Is he once bitten, twice shy? Absolutely not. He still jumps into situations while his more rational friends tell him to watch out.

Dave would say he is living life. Others might say he is crazy or stupid. He never complains when the people he associates with turn out to be extreme. He is just confused and surprised when it happens. Recently he told me about a new person in his life. I told him this did not sound like it would have a positive outcome. He did not disagree with me but he wanted to take a wait and see attitude.

What is the difference between caution and shyness? This is the definition of caution.

alertness and prudence in a hazardous situation; care; wariness:Landslides ahead—proceed with caution.
. a warning against danger or evil; anything serving as a warning:By way of caution, he told me the difficulties I would face.

     to warn or advise:

And this is the definition of shyness.

      Bashful; retiring.

 

easily frightened away; timid.

Suspicious; distrustful I am a bit shy of that sort of person

to drawback; recoil

There seems to be an overlap in definitions when it comes to the word “wary”. It seems that shyness can be protective. It can protect you in a positive way. Perhaps Dave needs some shyness.

The definition of shyness regarding retiring and timid is the one that shy people experience and probably the one trait they do not enjoy.

On one hand we have Dave – fearless and on the other hand you – shy It is not up to me to ask you to change, that is for you do decide. I do think that if you feel your life is mostly about being retiring, timid,bashful, and easily frightened away then you would want to make a change. How much of your day to day life is colored by feeling and acting shy? Is it too big a part for you? If yes then it is time for a change. By looking at this it will be easier for you to make that change. You will see that you spend too much time retreating and you do not want to. If you do not take this look then perhaps you will justify each retreat and not be able to get the impetus to change.

So take a good look at your day to day existence. Do you went more from your life? If so then take the first step to overcoming your shyness.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Leave a Comment

Kenny Chesney on Regrets

scan001314.jpg 

 

Regrets are the one thing I believe most people live with in one way or another.” Chesney allows. “Everybody lives with it, because we all have times in our life when we didn’t take the extra step, didn’t go out on that limb – whether it was asking that one girl out or standing up for something we believed in. Whatever it is …so you wonder what if? And you wonder what it would have felt like. Kenny Chesney

Kenny Chesney opened up his heart and spoke about regrets. I identify with what he says about regretting the times I did not take the extra step, did not go out on a limb. This has definitely happened to you. I think it is time for you to look back. I think you need to consider the times you did not take that extra step. There are probably a lot of reasons why you did not go out on a limb. Maybe even good reasons. Yet despite those reasons there is still regret. What does this say about you. It says that despite your reasons you still wonder, “what might have been?”

When you have this review what part does shyness play in these regrets? Perhaps it is a big part. Doesn’t that mean it is time to do something about your shyness? Doesn’t it mean your shyness is getting in your way? It is one thing for your shyness to get in your way. It is another thing to regret it. Getting in your way may be transitory. Regretting it stays with you. Regrets can color your life. Regrets can become a focus of your life. Regrets can become a part of your current life.

It is up to you to determine if your shyness is causing you to live a life of regret. If it is then your next step is determine what you can do about it. There are steps you can take to overcome your shyness. Try some of them and see how they go. Give yourself time to see if they work. Remember – do not get discouraged. If one technique is not working try another one. No matter how it goes keep thinking about regrets. Keep asking yourself if you want any more regrets in your life.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Comments and questions are always welcome

Leave a Comment

Are You Willing to make the Investment?

scan001313.jpg

Are you willing to invest in yourself?  When you are shy you may feel like you are missing out on some things.  You have probably tried to overcome your shyness on your own.  Maybe it worked some of the time.  This is a case where you invested your time in yourself.   Definitely a good investment.  It is important to invest in yourself. 

What about the other instances where you are still shy and investing your time did not produce the results you wanted?  Can you make another investment?  Yes, you can.  You can invest money in yourself.  You can invest money in a product to help you end your shyness.  You can pay for a book, a class, a course on how to overcome your shyness.  You can hire a professional to help you.  You can purchase medication.  There are many ways you can invest money in yourself.  There are many ways you can invest money in helping you overcome your shyness. 

Notice that I did not say “spend” money.  This is greater than “spending” money.  This is investing money in yourself.  Investing money in yourself creates a return.  It produces something of value. 

If this is important to you then it is time to make the investement.  Think of the value this investment in yourself will produce. 

definition of investment

  • to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something
  • to endow with a quality or characteristic
  • to furnish or endow with a power, right
  • to put (money) to use, by purchase or expenditure, in something offering potential profitable returns, as interest, income, or appreciation in value.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Leave a Comment

Are you in Recovery?

scan001311.jpg

Recovery is an interesting process to me.  The definition states two possibilities about recovery.  One is to go to a better state or condition and the other is to go to a former state or condition. The concept of recovery involves a comparison.  It involves a “then” and”now” condition.  It involves a “before” and “after”condition.  The big point here is that the “now” or “after” condition will be better than the “then” “before” condition.  In order to grasp your recovery you have to understand how it was for you before recovery and how it is for you after recovery.  When you are physically sick with the flu it is pretty easy to access your recovery.  With the flu you had symptoms that probably made you feel miserable.  After the flu these symptoms were gone and you felt much better.  You recovered from the flu. 

But what about shyness and recovery.  Here we get into a tricky area.  People that are working on overcoming their shyness report something very interesting about their recovery.  They report their progress. They tell me the steps they are taking to deal with their shyness.  Some are really working hard and making huge progress.  They are behaving as if they are no longer shy.  Their actions are those of someone who is not shy.  Here comes the interesting part.  They still feel shy.  They still think of themselves as shy.  Despite their progress, despite their recovery they still label themselves as shy. 

Why is that?  I think it is part habit.  Recovery from shyness is a conscious, dedicated choice.  It is a new behavior to not act shy.  This new behavior may feel “funny” to you.  So you engage in this new “fuuny’ behavior and you check in with how you feel.  It is difficult to access your recovery because you feel “funny”.  I am going ask you to replace the word “funny” with different.  Think about how that would change how you feel.  Now you feel different not “funny.”  Isn’t that what recovery is about?  Isn’t recovery about feeling different? 

If you think hard you will begin to see different is actually better.  Before your recovery there were many instances where you felt nervous, self conscious,  discouraged.  Now there are less instances where you feel like this.  There are probably more instances where you feel excited.  Isn’t this what recovery is about?

Access your symptoms.  Access your new behaviors.   Notice your recovery progress.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

  • definition of recovery
  • the regaining of or possibility of regaining something lost or taken away.
.
  • restoration or return to health from sickness.
.
  • restoration or return to any former and better state or condition.

PS  Drop me a line.  Ask me a question.  Subscribe to my free newsletter. 

Leave a Comment

Angelina, My Friend

scan001310.jpg

 Today I want to share with you a story about my friend Angelina. No, it is not about Angelina Jolie. Angelina Jolie and I are not friends. My friend Angelina is just another person with challenges trying to make her life the way she dreams it should be. She is just like you and me. We all have our personal “stuff” that makes our lives rocky at times.

Angelina was born to parents that were not ready to raise and care for a child. Her mom had addiction problems and was only seventeen when Angelina was born. Her dad was in and out of her life. Angelina did not have any stability in her life. Sometimes she lived with her mom and sometimes she was farmed out to other family members. Her dad visited her from time to time but he never provided a home for her. Her childhood was filled with uncertainty, confusion, rejection and trauma. There was no one she could count on. No one was there for her on any consistent basis. She did not have guidance and love. She always told me that she raised herself. In addition to raising herself she also raised her three younger siblings. Angelina was the first born. Unfortunately her mom had three more children that were neglected like Angelina was.

 

Angelina shared with me some of her survival secrets. She told me that early on she discovered something that was major for her to get through every day. She could not dwell on her tragic and unfortunate circumstances. If she did that she would not be able to take care of herself. If she dwelled on her sorrowful life she could not be there for her siblings. Somehow when she was very young she trained herself to live one day at a time. One day at a time with the hope that tomorrow would be better. How did Angelina, someone so young, stubble upon this survival philosophy? Angelina told me that it was out of necessity that she lived each day with this philosophy. I was amazed. It seems that necessity took over and Angelina was able to make her life important to her.

 

The other thing Angelina shared with me was that responsibility kept her going every day. The responsibility to take care of herself. She had to take care of herself because no one else would. She also had to take care of her siblings. If she didn’t who would.

 

The next question I had for Angelina was, “Did this make you bitter?” Angelina answered this in a very matter of fact way. She said, “No. It made me stronger.” That took a while to sink in. All I could do was imagine how I would feel if my childhood was like hers. I thought I would be angry, depressed, lost, dejected, frightened, confused, unable to function. Angelina told me that she did have these feeling. But she also had the hope that if she made it through today tomorrow could be better. It was that hope despite the circumstances she lived with that made her stronger. That hope made her go on each and every day.

 

So what is Angelina like all grown up?  She is a complex person. She has mental scars. She knows that she never really had a childhood. She knows she was thrust into adulthood out of necessity. She also knows that despite it all she made it. She knows that if she made it through the chaos and craziness of her childhood she will make it through adulthood. She thinks adulthood is a piece of cake compared to where she came from and what she lived thorough.

 

There are many reasons I am telling you about Angelina. First I am amazed at how someone that lived through what she lived through could take control of her life. Yet when I think about it I am not so amazed. What Angelina did was what we all do at one time or another. We look to ourselves and our strength to help us make our lives better.

 

This is the same thing you can do to overcome your shyness. First off be responsible for yourself. You may want to blame others. That is not the way to deal with something. You have only so much time and energy in the day. You can choose to devote that energy and time to making your life better or you can devote it to hurtful feelings. The choice is yours.

 

Second remember that you have one day at a time to live your life. Live that day doing your personal best. There is always hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day.

 

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Leave a Comment

Older Posts »